A lady answered. I remember sobbing to her. Telling her that I wanted to die. Telling her I had a plan.
The night I almost took my life, I had a plan. And the plan didn’t include picking up a phone book but I’m so glad I did.
The girls at school hated me. I was new and a girl picked a fist fight with me. I kept thinking why does she hate me so much. And that turned into why do I hate me so much? I didn’t feel like I belonged. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere.
Scared, 16 and alone: Not a good combination.
I cried and cried and cried.
I didn’t even realize we had a phone book, I’m an internet kid after all. But a voice told me to find the phone book. And I found a suicide prevention hotline. A lady answered. I remember sobbing to her. Telling her that I wanted to die. Telling her I had a plan.
You know those things in your life that you can’t explain? The things that you need just at the right time or things would have been different? For me, it was that lady’s voice.
She said, “I’m here for you.”
I could breathe again. I felt a door open in my heart, there was a way out. This lady heard me. All I needed was someone to hear me. I slept easy that night. Thank god, there was a tomorrow for me.
So, now I’m a nurse. And I think I’m a pretty good one. My secret weapon? An unyielding belief that to be a successful nurse all I need is a servant’s heart.
I had a patient who was a prisoner. We get a lot of those and they come in with their guard. You see, prisoners are used to getting treated a certain kind of way. They are the least of thee. This one prisoner was so sweet. And I was sweet right back to him.
When he and his guard left they thanked me for treating him like he was the only person who mattered. I didn’t pay no mind, but when I look back, I remembered it was because at 16, that lady made me feel like I mattered.
The hardest part about the last two months is the fear. Fear of the unknown, because I am taking care of people and taking risks. I want to be the best I can for them but at the same time, is that best putting you at risk?
But, I still will say, “I am here for you” even if I’m afraid.